18 - Fact /Fiction lies here

Have you ever felt like you were so tired that upon hitting the bedsheets, you feel so heavy such that you’re able to sink through the mattress and the floor?

More than often enough I’ve experienced this during my JC years, especially coming home after a long day of school and drama or dance rehearsals. Sometimes I felt like the activities zapped too much of my willpower, but I was grateful anyway, because the amount of performing and work experience i’ve gained was incomparable to anything I could have been offered at anywhere else in the world.

This week has not been the best week. Okay, probably my worst week since A level results were released. And that was just 4 weeks ago.

I screwed up my applications which resulted in displeasing a teacher, I irresponsibly abused an alumni’s privilege and now I am here, 2 days till the dead line for uni applications, with unfinished essays. I keep procrastinating it because I kinda know that no matter how hard I try, I can’t get into that college. But for me to even try, is huge enough.

Fortunately, I had a good weekend by taking a much-needed rest at home. I only had two engagements over the two days: Meeting Bryan and going for ITM practice. I guess these two things give me the purest joy and confidence that I have aspects of my life that I have not screwed up in, and that I trust that they will not grief me in ways that other parts of my life have. I try not to be a sour puss, but the ambivalence that is drowning my life is definitely not something that’s a breeze.

When he left, my stomach tied up in insurmountable knots and my heart raced at a pace like never before. Before he left, I wanted to escape. I wanted to free myself of my current obligations and just embark on a solo journey to a deserted land. But on that night, I couldn’t help feeling insecure about us.
It was something I did not expect of when he left town. I envisioned relishing in my own freedom, not being expected to leave the house for other people, lying about and surfing the web. This limbo of not needing to do anything was something I truly desired and looked forward to. Sure, on a day where I’m finally able to spend the entire day at home just lazing about since exams ended, it feels pretty awesome. But all this mindless activity really makes you think about other important things, since they don’t really distract you from the realities of life.

I kinda regret that I wanted to get away from my life, my schedules, my friends and even him. But I realise that this is necessary in order for our relationship to grow. Time apart was truly a good thing for me. Especially now that exams are over, I really have the time to think deeper about what I really want for the next chapter of our lives.

Many things are set in store for us: Army, coping with the uneasiness of anticipating results, looking for a job, learning how to drive; practically many things now fall into our own hands. Huge amounts of responsibility to be weighed down on us. That doesn’t really sound carefree at all, does it? The issue is, how are we able to interlace relationships and growing up?

This period demands us to do much soul-searching and experimenting in order to find ourselves. To see what works for us, what cringes us, and what completely falls out of line with our beliefs. As cliché as most coming-of-age movies seem to pan out, the discovery of oneself is truly a mind-boggling debacle. How are we able to make the other person happy while we’re still finding out about how to make ourselves happy? Well, this comes with time, but my best bet (optimistically) is that relationships play a huge role in growing up. It can come as a bonus for some, or it may be just another factor in the equation. Over time, I’ve begun to see relationships differently, mainly because of the people I’ve met in junior college. These two years proved that the people you meet have a way of defining who you are as a person. Their actions challenge you to react in certain ways. Sometimes, if not deliberately acted upon, it reveals a lot about a person. All in all, the bonds you share with people are crucial in determining your existence and your personality in social settings. Both go hand in hand. So I’ve decided that, this relationship will be important for everyone’s growth. For the two of us, and the people that observe us from the sidelines. Such is the web of correlations.

11-12-13 Soundtrack
Dreampop. Seeing things from a quirkier yet tasteful angle. Definitely something to look forward to in the mundane administrations of the past few months. Writing notes, re-reading notes, practicing papers, taking really long and stoning breaks. 

"don’t tell me I am pretty or thin or sweet or good until you have crawled inside my skin and felt the depths and shallows of me. only I know who I am. I live inside myself and it is a rotting cage."

my new favourite post.


it’s that time of the year [finals week] and so here is a post of useful things via myself and my mom who is a teacher !!


(Source: michaelgclifford)

Damian Smith and Yuan Yuan Tan in Christopher Wheeldon’s After The Rain